Writing something down is easier to get away with not doing said thing, because no one knows about it. However with me, there's something finite about seeing ink on paper. Especially if it's defined as a goal.
August 1st.
It's been 31 days since I last published, and I set my intention to post something tonight, with 8 minutes left in the day.
Thinking of every excuse means you're hiding.
Post.
Understanding my mindset is pretty simple. I live a good life filled with yoga, joyful kids, a supportive family & set of friends, all of which is the basic recipe for being stress-free. I'm a mediator, a libra, a feminist and an empath, and it may appear that there's not too much I could ever be angry or worried about, but I still do at times because I care. I care about a lot of topics that encompass social justice, human rights, mental health, physical health, health in general, biohacking, sports and whatever #blacktwitter is discussing. I care about people who've had their voices stifled, those who've lost hope, those who've managed to use blinders to protect themselves from the light that can save them.
My abilities to have unusual conversations, anything not related to the weather, what you do or who you're dating; but everything related to how you feel, who do you want to be and who do you want to help & how, are at the forefront of discussion. I'm an INFP. I take pride in knowing that I've fostered a sense of encouragement that leads to growth and progress of those I care about.
My squad consists of social entrepreneurs, physicians, teachers, pharmacists and cops. Actually, just one cop.
Anyway, our conversations generally get deep, insightful, humorous and provocative as we each not only share thoughts but ask why. With friends like these, you have a higher purpose - a mission that's bigger than the self. And you know it, they know it, we all feel it and we show up more powerful in the world we live because of this discourse.
Understanding and sensing how people think and feel is pretty much my forte. I can sense if you're bluffing (outside of poker) and I can sense if you need to dig deeper into your work or move on to the next thing. Having a diverse set of friends provides me with a wide range of perspective and enormous amounts of empathy.
Recently, I caught up with a friend who's black, who's a male and who's a cop in America. Which isn't the toughest job in this country, but I digress.
Navigating what my cop friend sees by provoking the why's - that I graciously adopted from my 2.5 year old nephew who asks "why" after I say anything - allowed me to dig up enough fuel to help him see what I see.
He recently posted a picture, defending his peers for what they're doing "right" which made me slightly disturbed. Protecting and highlighting those who "safely" arrest people by not choking them to death or shooting someone in the leg instead of their 12-year-old chest, isn't the point.
Highlighting (or blaming) the 1% of cops who aren't trained properly to do their job isn't the point either, but it's the start at scratching the surface of unraveling what is so deeply rooted in our history.
I'm not a full-time activist, psychologist, analyst or history buff. However, I am a concerned human who understands the importance of basic human rights, and will dig deep into how I can use my strengths to fight for justice.
He asked me to write up some inspirational mojo/carpe diem type stuff after we linked up, so I did - but I got very real with him and didn't sugar coat much. It'd be safe to tell him "yolo, keep doing what you're doing!" but I didn't. I was blunt, honest and direct because I care.
It's difficult following a path if you're trying to change the culture of an environment that you're not even passionate or concerned about. If you don't even enjoy who you're surrounding yourself with, why try to change them? It's more important to build a new tribe of those you enjoy being around, those who you want to help. If you're in a position of power, use your skills and knowledge constructively, to teach and show others what you see. It could save a life and create a better environment for future generations.
There are times I want to scream and shout out loud "WHAT THE [redacted] IS HAPPENING IN OUR WORLD?!" whenever I step outside, but I’m humbly reminded by folks like my parents, that this has been going on for a long long time. I get angry and amazed because it seems that they’re not even phased by this, but I understand they’re tired too. They’ve marched, they’ve spoken up, they’ve protested; and it’s the same story, the same fight. The difference now is that because of what they went through, they’re sharing are their experiences of the injustice, the battles they’ve fought, the tears and blood they shed to protect what’s theirs. These stories in itself are worth our efforts to speak up about what’s currently happening in this present moment.
Those who seem to never be heard, the stories that seem to always be in drafts and never sent, are finally having their voices amplified. #blacktwitter, Abernathy, Blavity – are all sounding boards and projects built from people like me who are frustrated. This is our therapy, a space where we can actually voice our opinions, and we’re finally getting noticed.
So, what’s next?
Use this anger, rage, aggression – this negative energy – to create and do something meaningful. Manifest your thoughts into something that can uplift, inspire and ultimately change the environment you want to live in. Anger turns into pride, which turns to courage, then willingness, acceptance and ultimately peace, when used constructively.
It’s not going to happen immediately, but continue to speak up. Your voice & creations will plant the seeds for our future, with the hopes of saving our lives that matter.
Back in April, I made a committment to publish an e-book by June 30th, which transpired from attending Seth Godin's Ruckusmaker Seminar. As of this post, I'm on track to ship by my deadline as I feel this is a piece that will help inspire you, or at the very least, brighten your day.
The title is still a work in progress, but what is set in stone is the fact that I'll be sharing my own personal experiences and lessons learned on taking leaps, pursuing entrepreneurship and owning my identity, by tying it with people and things that inspire me on the daily (like CrossFit, J. Cole and #blacktwitter).
If this is something you'd be interested in reading and more importantly sharing, add your name below.
[contact-form-7 id="2051" title="Contact form 1"]
Sometimes I really don't recognize this off the bat, but I've had some pretty incredible - sometimes horribly decided at the time - experiences thus far, which translate into posts like this. The most memorable one of my 20s, was hands down, the Summer of Yes (S.O.Y). Granted, I went to college, had a really cool job, won a ring, traveled during my 20s - all things that are mainly tangible, that many people can achieve. But my greatest experience came from something that some people would probably frown upon, and something that was also very personal and intentional. There's something about recognizing what’s faux-pas in the lens of what's normal in our society (which makes doing said thing, epic), but I've always been a rebel and never really conformed to what everyone else was and is doing....so, there's that.
April 2010 marked a few months after my roommate and I had ended relationships with our significant others that equally lasted at least 3 years. Speaking for myself, I was in a stage of exploration and really giving zero [redacted].
The short version of S.O.Y. was that we couldn't say no to anyone who asked us out on a date, unless we felt threatened (which, fortunately, was very rare). We made rules, had a point system, a white board to track everything, and an end date. This was literally a game, but what it turned out to be for me, was one of the best experiences of my life. (If you're reading this and thinking if you were one of those I dated during this time, the answer is most likely, yes :).
For the first time, ever, I wasn't thinking about who my next boyfriend, husband or soulmate would be. I didn't want to be in any sort of committed relationship, and made that very clear upfront.
The point wasn't to go on a specific number or dates, or break the hearts of the men who selectively and willingly did to other women in the city. The point was to have fun. Literally, that was it. There were no ulterior motives. I'll spare all the juicy details because they're not important in this platform, but if you're curious and want the long version, feel free to hit me up.
Carefree, yet intentionally purposeful in my actions. Each of my personal experiences during this summer and the underlying feelings, conversations and connections that were involved, are all still relevant today.
Nearly five years later, I'm writing about this experience in somewhat long form, yet also recognizing how important this stage of my life was. In hindsight, I learned more about myself as it relates to what attracts me not only physically, but mentally as well. I learned about trust, forgiveness, love and most importantly, detachment - or the beautiful art and practice of letting go. I did the inner work, without even realizing that I was shedding another layer into recognizing my true self.
The key is to create similar experiences that not only scare you, but that push you over the edge. The ones that nobody is really talking about. The ones that result in inspiring others once you share your story. The ones that make you think, "should I really being doing that?"
The answer is probably yes. Taking what's probable into what's possible requires leaping.
Do it.
1. Don't bottle up things inside. Instead, let them out, bit by bit. Doing so will help your journey feel less intense. 2. In the moments of intense anxiety, despair or anything that's similar to those feelings, acknowledge them and understand that the answer to the meaning of life rarely comes in those moments. Wait 'til the smoke clears. It's prettier on the other side. Clarity ensues.
3. After recognizing what needs to be addressed, ask for what you want. After all, it is #shootyourshot season.
I felt guilty for not helping, for not witnessing the protests or walking the streets where he was shot. I felt guilty for heading out of town when there were hundreds of opportunities to help clean up the streets that same weekend I left.
I felt guilty because I was afraid to head to the city – the real city – where the media had filmed the “riots."
But today, I felt different.
Last night before bed, I scrolled through my twitter feed, and came across a post of a beautiful mural dedicated to Freddie Gray. I reached out to the woman who snapped this shot and she gave me the location where I could see this first hand.
I drove to Sandtown, specifically to the corner of Presbury and Mount, to not only see this mural that was curated just a few days ago, but to walk the streets to get a sense of who actually lives here.
At first, I was nervous for walking around, but as I roamed the streets, people greeted me and said hello. It was an overall chill vibe, but I could only imagine what the tension was like just a few weeks prior as some streets were still blocked off as a few scattered cops were standing guard.
As I arrived on the same streets where thousands protested, I felt a sense of peace. Now, the streets are quiet with people going about their day-to-day business. Women on the stoops braiding hair, kids walking around, men standing on the corner, politicin’ as usual. I walked up to the mural, with the fresh spray paint smell still residing in the air. I spotted a popular activist, Deray Mckesson, on the corner filming a piece in front of another building where a local Baltimore artist was creating another mural: a mix of images of MLK protests to what just transpired in these past two weeks. There were a few people with their DSLRs snapping away, but also engaging in conversations with those who were raised on these streets.
The boarded up row houses were not unnoticed, but this was expected. I’ve driven down these streets before, and understood this to be the “normal” west side of Baltimore.
I chatted up with three older black gentleman, one of whom was born and raised at Gilmore Homes – and actually bet $1,000 to his friend [who’s in jail] that he has proof that he was born there and when I tell you he was PROUD of where he was from – he pulled out a folder with his birth certificate with proof that he was born here. These cats just wanted to be heard. They voiced their opinions on how corrupt the cops are, how it took another murder for people to actually take a look at west Baltimore, and how instead of investing millions of dollars to rebuild Canton and the Waterfront, how about taking that money to help those who actually live here. With their frustrations, they all mentioned that it’s going to take a lot of time and effort to shed light on this neighborhood. All they can do is talk about what’s going on, with hopes that more people like us (the artists, the curious folks, those wanting to help) will actually do so and not just put this on the back burner.
I no longer feel guilty. I reside in Baltimore, and I have the chance to help 24/7. Spending just about an hour in this neighborhood was enough time to give me a feeling of hope. That there are people committed and demanding change, and taking immediate action to turn this place around.
Progress.
Let’s just hope this momentum continues.
I remember asking my dad one evening what he thinks it will take to fix Haiti’s situation (poor infrastructure, poverty levels, government issues, etc.). Although I don’t remember his exact verbiage, it was something along the lines of: Haiti may need to be wiped out completely for the people to start all over and rebuild. This conversation was about a year before the 2010 earthquake struck the country.
The moment the quake hit, I remember the conversation my dad and I had, and immediately thought, well shit…is this what he meant by starting all over? I cringe at the thought and the uncanny feeling I get even typing these words, but it [sadly] took one of the most devastating natural occurrences to strike this country for the world to see and pay attention to this place.
In the wake of the police brutality that seems as if it’s never disappearing, and the fact that it actually happened in the city I was born, reminds me of what my dad said. Sometimes it may take something drastic/tragic/devastating for people to pay attention.
As I navigate my life and create a vision and opportunities for myself that only appear when I speak my truths, see what’s missing and actually set action plans towards what I want for my life, I often recognize my choices and actions stemming from a tragic event that happened.
This isn’t anything really surprising. There are stories and songs that end up being uplifting and beautiful but it stems and was created from a place of pain or despair. There’s a reason why some of my favorite songs [Lauryn Hill’s 'Ex-factor' or Bob Marley’s Redemption Song] come from a place of pain or tragedy. The irony is not lost on me.
Some people take a shift in their careers/outlooks on life/their purpose after there has been death in a family, a major relationship break-up or they’ve been forced to do so [e.g. job loss].
A tragedy is a tragedy and some may seem bigger or more important than others, but the point is that there’s a noticeable shift in what’s happening. It’s affecting the way I see the world and what actions I can set in place to ensure I’m contributing to something bigger than myself.
It’s exhausting telling people where I’m from. “No, but I'm from the county.”
“No, not where The Wire was filmed.”
“No, not in the city. I live about 30 minutes away.”
“Oh, and yeah, my family is Haitian. “
Maybe it's because I'm brown, and most people automatically assume people who look like me should speak a certain way, and live in a certain zip code. But as soon as I mention the last bit "my family is Haitian" it's like everything I resemble makes sense to them. "Ohh so that's why you speak like that."
Today I woke up tired. Most likely from watching the news and reading my twitter feed and being angry at what friends were posting on Facebook – not realizing how racist their words are, or them - from the night before.
We’re all ignorant to what’s actually happening, unless we’ve been through the trenches, and experienced what those who are in the media have been through, or have some empathy towards a disenfranchised group.
It surprised me that people were shocked about these protests, and even more surprised at the buildings that were being burned vs. the actual core of what is happening/has happened time and time again.
Maybe it’s because my family came from the trenches – of a third world country – that they provided me with the safety of growing up no where close to anything that may resemble what they have gone through.
When I say I’m from Baltimore, I feel that there’s two sides. The county and what you see on the news. Just like Haiti. Portraying a place as always violent and in distress is one thing especially if you've never visited. But we all know there's two sides to every story.
The core of it all is fucked up. Money, politics and race. It all comes down to race and the injustices that occur from a system that wasn’t built for anyone else than those who built it.
Today I felt torn. I wanted to help, but didn’t want to get hurt. Physically, emotionally – afraid of feeling and seeing what I’ve been raised not to even experience.
This is the exact reason why I need to help. To understand what people who look like me feel - the same people that when others ask where I'm from, assume I am. To create change and to uplift those who think they never have a chance at survival. There are too many people running away from what's happening, ignoring these issues (and people) as if they don't exist, and blaming those who are hurt for disrupting "their" city.
“People don’t want to believe that they actually are racists or that the systems & institutions that they pay into and buy into are actually working actively against certain people…people can’t come up with how they feel and as a result don’t want to face the realities of where they live.” - Clinton Yates
Sometimes I feel that I'm so out of touch with reality that I don't even know what to prioritize. Today changed that. Practicing expressing what I want & feel to others has opened up my eyes on how out of touch I really was, with myself & how I see others.
I shared exactly what I was thinking with my brother after catching him up on my dad's status, and his sentiments were eerily similar.
He’s a “retired” physician who still thinks he runs the hospital, so he was dictating vs. accepting and listening. Smoker for probably 60 years and 73 years old. We can count the times our entire family will see each other again and it’s frightening. Yet, we have an opportunity (as you do too) to cherish every single moment with those in your circle. Those you love and care for.
My dad is fine and not on his death bed, but today put everything into perspective. As he's being treated in the hospital room, we were watching the live stream of Baltimore City Police describing what did or didn't happen to another black man shot by cops in America. Countless deaths are being broadcasted everywhere you look, and I've lost count the number of names that turned into hashtags. Death can put a lot of things into perspective and in motion.
As I was afraid to even enter the hospital, I knew I eventually had to as I've learned to face my fear to understand what it's trying to tell me.
We all need a safe space for people to share their stories, whether that’s through a blog or face to face. This starts conversations where people open up & trust is built with one another. We're all hurt and have a story to tell. We all need healing. Provide the space for someone you love.
“Do you miss it?” Of course! “But you worked for THE HEAT!” Yes, and it was one of the greatest experiences thus far.
These questions often come up once I share my story with others. Fun times, and I love sharing this part of my life with them.
Most people associate leaving a job as a bad thing especially when it entails working in the sports & entertainment industry...and having LeBron James as one of your colleagues. [This in itself is a story for a different time].
I left because I felt a piece of my soul breaking through the shell I created and built during my tenure there. I craved expansion and a new experience and change. I wanted something different and unfamiliar, which was scary as hell, but I leapt and left anyways.
Sometimes it’s exhausting explaining this to someone who’s never taken a leap (leaving a job or place) in their lives, but most times I find myself inspiring and motivating those I speak to, to challenge themselves to do something different than they’ve had in the past. I don’t jump the gun and tell them to quit everything and just go, but it’s along that path [smile].
In Miami, nothing changes for the most part. The seasons consist of hot, really hot, rainy and hurricane season. You know what to expect.
Because of this consistency, it’s a black hole for people to be complacent. Granted, I’m not implying that people who live there don’t do and create wonderful things, but there’s a reason why people choose to retire in South Florida. “Permanent vacation mode” is the mindset and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. We all need breaks in our lives and Miami is a great place for that. [s/n: not to get into a complete rabbit hole of why Miami is amazing, but it is a fantastic city to experience at least once in your life and I recommend everyone to try it].
I spent close to 10 years living there, in a period of my life where I kind of thought I was an adult because I was “on my own.” This city raised me. I loved every minute of it. However, I only knew so much to get by – which turned out just fine – but I physically felt that I wasn’t growing. I wanted a new challenge.
You see, when you’re forced to adapt you are automatically put in a position where you have to make a choice. On a literal sense, where I’m from, I was used to having seasons. I was forced to prepare myself for winter by buying boots and a heavy coat. When it’s below 20 degrees consistently for a month on end, I had to make a choice. Do I get out of bed to go workout? or do I stay here because it’s comfortable. Most often, I caught myself staying in because who-the-hell-wants-to-work-out-at-6am-in-December.
In Miami, every day was beautiful. It was easy to just put on some shorts and a top, walk out the door and head to CrossFit, at 6am. It was 70 degrees! The discipline wasn’t really needed, or rather it wasn’t even tested.
Do you know how hard it is to talk yourself into getting out of bed during the winter when it’s negative 10 outside?! Discipline is a helluva habit. Living in Miami taught me how to create (and break) habits. Leaving Miami taught me how to let go and trust the process.
I loved and still love the city, but that doesn’t equate to me staying. Once I let go of the attachment to the physical aspect of this place and resisting the urge to leave, I took the leap and blossomed as a result.
There’s an opportunity for you to expand and evolve into something greater than what is right now. Seeing what’s missing (in your life, your community, your job) and even that feeling that you know you can do more, is the core of what you need to uncover and dig up. What can you improve on? How can you make what you do best, better? This really is about you – and what you can unfold and share with the world. The only way to do so is to do the inner work. Navigate what’s holding you back, why certain things you see or people you interact with trigger a particular emotion.
A few weeks ago, I went to hear Brandon Stanton (the “Humans of New York” guy) speak at Johns Hopkins. He’s not the greatest speaker, nor is he the greatest photographer. My intention wasn’t to hear about how he takes pictures. My intention was to learn and take away one thing that is different about him as a photographer, that no one else has really mastered yet.
He’s mastered the art of talking to strangers, and more importantly, getting over the fear of rejection and approaching them. To some, he may be at the peak of his “career,” but he’s just getting started. He acknowledged that he has accomplished fame or success rather quickly, but that was never his goal. With each picture, story and caption he’s captured, he’s always looking to make his art better. Not for us, for the media or for the fame – but for himself.
Whatever it is you do, keep building, brick by brick for you. Only you know what’s keeping you from success, from being the best version of you – which in essence, is the greatest art you can share with the world.
After Ruckusmakers, I had about 20 different ideas that following Monday. All of these ideas were related to fitness, to kids and specifically female middle school aged minorities in the Baltimore community. They were just grand ideas, with no business plan or concept on how this could generate money, or more importantly how this could impact change in the way that I’d like it to. 30 days later, my B.H.A.G. (big hairy audacious goal) hasn’t changed; however, what has was what I focused on immediately. After speaking and sharing my ideas to a few Ruckusmakers and very close friends of mine, one in particular mentioned for me to take a step back and focus on me for a second.
With all of my grand ideas, none of which focused on what would make an impact (monetary) immediately, and even if it didn’t, there was still something within me that has been blocking or preventing me from taking the bold steps to initiate said project.
So it started with a memoir or manifesto of sorts. After having a breakthrough (or breakdown) and feeling a bit emotionally overwhelmed one evening in front of my friend, the highlight of our conversation was when I was directed to write a 5-page manifesto of my life. This was my project. There needs to be an immense amount of time, focusing on myself and digging up any blocks or situations that happened in my life that would come to the surface to shed some light on why or what I’ve been hiding for so long.
So, I wrote and shipped this memoir one week later on April 2nd
From my initial post declaring what my project will be, I’ve declared that there’s no rush, and I can still incorporate my memoir to discover how to navigate to connect the dots to create this yoga movement/festival in Baltimore by August 2016.
Now, I’m focusing on creating and writing a set of e-books based on the common themes that kept coming up while writing this manifesto.
Fitness.
Commitments.
Identity.
My intention is to publish my first e-book on at least one of these themes by June 30th, 2015.
This morning I had the privilege of being one of the judges for Roland Park Middle School’s elevator pitch competition. About 40 seventh grade students are enrolled in an entrepreneurship course, designed by N.F.T.E., a non-profit organization that I proudly volunteer for. More info on them can be found here.
Each student presented their 30 to 60 second business idea in front of a panel of judges, some nervously speaking in front of a classroom, conveniently forgetting to mention the name of their company. But mostly, there were others speaking proudly & enthusiastically about their idea.
Creative in their own way, “B-more Bubbly” is a natural & locally sourced bath products company founded by two girls with the exact personality that fits the name. “The Kleb” featured two boys who are artists who want to create a space & platform for other artists to share their work. And “Getting Through This Together” is a non-profit founded by two girls, focusing on creating a safe space for young kids with mental health disorders to bond.
The beauty behind each presentation was that they were each inspired by their own ideas, some of whom partnered with friends who have a strength that could amplify the business if they join together.
These kids believe 1000000% in their idea. They are in this prime time of their lives where they have no fear and anything and everything is available to them. Which made me think of the bazillion ideas I why I’ve been hesitant to express them. When did I lose this enthusiasm?!
I left with about 5 new business cards. From seventh graders. They were more prepared than I was as I quickly remembered that I need to order my own business cards. #fail
Times have changed, and I’m excited for their our future. What’s important now, is that we continue to nurture these kids and give them feedback and the tools to help them cultivate their craft.
In the span of just under 2 hours, I was reminded of how important it is to voice your idea. Even if it sucks. There’s no use of keeping it to yourself when there are people to support and encourage you to follow your dreams, or at the very least, encourage you to think & dream bigger.
I've been given the task to write a memoir or manifesto of sorts about my life. From the very beginning to present day - with a deadline attached. I know my friend who "pushed" me to do this means well, but I'm currently not thrilled of said friend. Tough love, I guess. At this moment and time of this post*, I'm not sure if I love or hate what I'm finding about myself and my encounters with black Americans. It's getting deep, y'all.
Even in this initial phase of beginning to write and outline and trying making sense of everything, I'm digging up certain periods and people in my life that I've magically hidden or tried to block out for so long.
The wheels are spinning at the pace that feels at lightning speed, as layers of what I thought I identified myself with are being peeled away.
My intentions are to publish the finished product, which may surprise many, but that's not the point.
The purpose of writing this manifesto is to pinpoint specific areas or situations in my life are blocking me from moving forward with my ideas.
Stay tuned.
*This post was brought to you by red wine, Phillip Glass and chocolate croissants.
Three years ago I met one of the most fearless humans I know. A friend of mine had a group of friends in town visiting Miami for the weekend, and we all decided to hang out together. I instantly connected with one of them, and we started talking about each other's lives and sharing our stories. He was spinning off of a massive injury (broken rib cages) from a motorcycle accident (trying stunts mixed with going too fast), something that he was so proud to share, in addition to the time he got electrocuted while at work. In my mind I kept thinking that this guy is absolutely insane! It turns out he lives and breathes for this adrenaline rush. He was intense and bold and not afraid of anything. I was completely at a loss for words on how this man is still alive today, but what attracted to me to him were our conversations and the fact that he was fearless. [Side note: That same weekend happened to be the weekend I met Ishita who's premise at the time was about getting over the fear of fear which I subtly wrote about here.]
He and I spent the weekend together just touring Miami and getting to know each other by way of me picking his brain and sharing with him my ambition for taking a leap/moving out of Florida/quitting my job. He stopped me in my tracks and asked me this question: when was the last time you cried? In that moment, I couldn't think of a time so I responded with something generic, "probably 3 years ago"as I literally could not pin point a moment or time. [In hindsight, this is an incredibly long time to shed tears considering now I feel I cry at least once a month :)].
The point he was getting across was that I hadn't done anything worth testing my limits or getting out my own box - things that compliment growth & expansion. All the signs that weekend led me on this hunt to do things that scare me, that evoke an emotion that I've been hiding without even realizing it.
There was a moment where we were just sitting on my couch in silence, listening to Christian Scott's album and I remember the song that I kept on repeat long after this weekend passed was Litany Against Fear.
"I must not fear.Fear is the mind-killer.Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.I will face my fear.I will permit it to pass over me and through me.And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." - Frank Herbert, Dune
Three months later is when I resigned and moved away.
What I've found over the course of the years is that whenever I feel that I'm on the verge of flipping to the next chapter of my life, I cry. Not because I'm sad or afraid, but because I know that it's in these exact moments where I'm facing my fears....and it's okay.
I recently visited Newseum in Washington, D.C., a museum focusing on the obvious: news, journalism, stories, and the people who tell them all in one building. Spending one day there isn’t enough, so when you purchase a ticket for admission, it’s actually valid for two days. As I navigated through the floors, intrigued by most exhibits, the most powerful exhibit I felt was the last one I experienced: The Pulitzer Prize Photographs Gallery.
This exhibit was the most eerie, yet moving. Pulitzer prize winning photographs, some of which you can find here "...includes each of the photographers and photo staffs who have won the prize since the Pulitzer board began awarding it to photographers in 1942.”
This was the only section the museum that was completely silent, which I didn’t realize until about halfway walking around the gallery.
Hundreds of pictures were displayed, and the passion, fortitude and resilience that these photographers had and faced, goes beyond explanation. They're Pulitzer Price winning for a reason. Going from one polar feeling of joy to sadness, each picture felt as if you were propelled into that exact time of the event.
Pictures say a thousand words. These, added with the captions, evoked emotions that go deeper than what was just captured. These pictures helped start movements, which shifted cultures and turned into novels, stories & ideas worth spreading.
That evening I shared my experience with my father who appreciates and loves journalism, history and everything in between, and he proceeded to show and teach me what he’s learning online.
He spends hours on end on the computer and I’m always curious to know what he’s reading or doing, and on this particular night he shared his love and aspiration to travel to Moscow, specifically Kremlin, by showing me pictures he found on a French news website.
Since this website is in French [and my parents conveniently forgot to teach me French growing up] he proceeded to scroll through each picture, helping me translate what each caption read. As I was learning about Kremlin culture and architecture (and French), I learned how much he loves exploration, history and teaching me what he knows.
Pictures say a thousand words. Captions tell the story. Sharing these experiences with each other spreads across generations, preserving history and culture.
Paralyzed. Not in the literal sense of being unable to move, but I woke up feeling stuck. "Inspiration is everywhere" is something that I pinned to my vision board last week and I'm always amazed with how much beautiful (and not so beautiful) stories, people and things are in this world that inspire me.
Being receptive and aware of this is a blessing, as some people find it hard to sense what inspires them. For me, this morning I woke up with a fear of not knowing what to do next. With a surplus of new friendships and relationships I've been granted, I got easily lost in what others were up to which sidetracked me from what I set out to do in the first place.
Avoiding the thoughts about what I need to do to keep my project going, I gravitated to wanting to help others, because that's the easy thing to do. Generous by default.
Losing focus even temporarily felt paralyzing. Coming to grips with what I know to be true, to be helpful and to dig myself out requires me to ask for the help and support that I need to stay on track.
I'm not in this alone, and neither are you.
About two months ago, I purchased a pendant in the shape of a turtle to wear as a necklace. As I’ve been recognizing and understanding how my body reacts to the uncertainties of life, I felt myself rushing to do things, with no sense of purpose or thought behind it. With all of my ideas and thoughts that transpire every day, my own ideas sometimes overwhelm me, which causes me to be in the own way of myself. For two years I was constantly in this get-after-it attitude where every other day there was an event happening or thing I needed to go to and on top of that, I worked out 5-6 days each week at high intensity, without really slowing down. At that phase in my life, I was able to handle it. A few years later, I recognize what my body needs (rest) and craves (mobility).
Five months ago I created an environment that allows space for me to focus on what I need. It started with a shift in my career and once that happened, it was if time magically appeared and there was so much of it. How will I fill this space?
I began cutting down on my intense workout regime and adding in writing daily for at least 15 minutes, yoga 2x/week, CrossFit 1-2x/week and one other day for any other activity that gets me moving (hiking, walking, plowing snow, etc.). Spinning off of my post on adherence, I’ve found that this is the perfect mix to hack my productivity and allow me to fill this “new” time with things that fuel my soul.
The challenging part is figuring out what works best and when. The good news? There is no rush.
Declaring to others what you say you’ll do speaks volumes. Today is the final day of the challenge, and it although it went by quickly, it wasn't easy. Writing consistently and publishing is more uncomfortable than not. There were moments when I tried to justify why I shouldn't share certain things, but I knew that in those moments were the exact reason why I should continue to write. What I've realized is that eight days isn't enough to describe the feeling that happens when you sense your mind shifting focus. Like most things, I started off with a plan. I brainstormed and outlined what transpired during ruckus, and now nearly 10 days later, I find myself unraveling what I’ve learned and immediately putting it into action even after we all departed ways. Sticking to the vision, what I know to be true and share with the world was the key to this challenge.
There’s a feeling of accomplishment that runs through me, but at the same time I know this is just the beginning of an ongoing conversation and project.
Thank you to Luis for the spark, and to all the other Ruckusmakers who joined to shared their stories.
This was fun :)
