"...when we're trying to 'figure it out,' we're in our head rather than being present." - Nisha Moodley
I never was the one who would google every symptom I had if I felt an ache or pain somewhere in some hypochondriac type of manner. Most of what I've ever felt in terms of pain was probably related to working out or some other physical activity, so I basically either took vitamins or went to a day spa to suppress that feeling, and in extreme cases, actually took OTC meds. This time, it’s a bit different. This time, I knew something wasn’t right and I needed to pinpoint why I haven’t been feeling like Sabrina: the go-getter, adventurous, spontaneous, say-yes-to-mostly-anything, live-in-the-moment - self. Always fatigued, even if I got in 7-8 hours of sleep, moody, anxious, nervous, depressed, not feeling in control, drinking coffee only made me more tired, alcohol was worse, generally not in the mood to do anything (train, coach, be around people)…. I didn’t understand what the hell was wrong with me. So I did some research and self-diagnosed myself with Adrenal Fatigue. 1. because I don’t have insurance to see a specialist and 2. you can find anything on the internet and if I have all of the symptoms, that means I have that condition, right? Right.
Side-note: I didn’t even bother to go to WebMD in fear that all the symptoms would lead to blindness or death.
It took me a few months to realize what was going on with me, and when I’d talk to other people who have been through similar situations of change of career/living path, they all said, yes we’ve been there. I thought this was "normal" but there's no possible way that people have experienced what I’ve went through or have been going through. When there’s too much stimuli (moving to a new city, having a new job, not having a stable income, place to stay, running around the city to work, dating…or lack thereof) this can cause adrenal fatigue. When your adrenal glands are so tired that any type of stimulus causes you to be pretty much immobile.
My initial reaction after finding this was "Yes! I know what’s wrong with me!" Then, it was shit…I’m legitimately not well, I need to fix myself. There was a point where I literally was sick to my stomach, hadn’t eaten in over 24 hours, and this was my wake up call. I researched how to deal with this naturally, and in the most cost-effective way, so I stocked up on vitamins and started saying no to a lot of people. I needed time to myself. Time to recharge – and not to say that I’m out of the deep end just yet, but I’m getting there and I feel it.
I read this post by Nisha Moodley today and it hit home. The frustrations of not having “it all figured out” and going through the motions of coaching, training, moving, figuring out where to say – all became too overwhelming. To the point where I had little motivation to basically do anything that I love doing: eat, train, date, workout, read, write. It’s been tough for me to tell people that I haven't been myself, because I don’t want people to worry about me. I’ve always felt the need to be strong and powerful without breaking down, and this completely overcame me. I’m worn out. I’m not writing this for pity points, nor do I want you to feel the need to console me or be empathetic. The point I’m trying to come across is that there’s never been a point in my life where I haven’t felt like “me” until now. I’ve turned down numerous gatherings and situations where people have asked me out because I just didn’t feel like it. I didn’t want to be around anyone. I’ve had zero motivation to pursue what I moved to NY in the first place, and I know that I need to recharge.
What all of this boils down to is that the best way to gain clarity and to feel at peace is to be present. It’s to be okay with what’s happening around you, without expectations, without concerns, without the certainty of what’s to come. Some of the natural supplements I’ve taken enhance this feeling, but everything comes down to being okay with what’s happening now. Only then will things start to make sense and overwhelming feelings will subside. It's a tough pill to digest - to be okay with not being in complete control - but it's the only thing that's been working to bring me back up to speed.